A Humourous Look at How to Drive in Vancouver, BC

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All members of society must take an active role in community policing: drive slowly in the passing lane to prevent any other driver from breaking the law by exceeding or even approaching the speed limit.

If the speed limit says 60 km/h, it really means either go 40 km/h or 80 km/h, depending on whether anyone behind you is in a hurry or if there is nobody watching.

Be sure to slow down at least 20 km/h below the speed limit every time you see a potential photo radar mini-van parked to the side.

Follow the car ahead of you as closely as possible, especially if you are travelling at high speeds. In Vancouver, the three second rule is actually the "three nano-second rule".

"Slower Traffic Keep Right" means to keep right only if you are travelling less than 20 km/h below the speed limit.

If you drive well below the posted speed limit you are within a moral and tangible "Cone of Safety". Nothing can happen because you are driving ultra-safely. If anything does, well, the other person must be at fault. Therefore, you need not yield where appropriate: i.e. left turns, pulling out from the curb, turning right from a side-street onto a thoroughfare or *any* situation which otherwise requires you to yield or otherwise demonstrate due care and attention.
 

If you can't read the sign, it doesn't apply to you.

Traffic lights have a different meaning in this town:

Green = pause or stop before continuing
Yellow = go really fast before that guy/gal makes the left turn
Red = go straight through, no pausing or stopping necessary.

Stop signs mean slow down and then go.

Yield signs mean don't look, just keep going.

The traffic signs and signals don't apply to you, but to "those other guys".
 

When exiting a freeway, race down the left lane, then cut in front of somebody on the right to exit. Signals are optional. It is especially a good idea to cut across two lanes without signaling.

When merging onto a freeway, perform the above, but go from right to left.

If you are in a lane which merges into another, always remember that you have to cut off the car in the lane which you are merging into.

A merge sign means that you should stop and then creep slowly in front of the traffic. It is always best if you can force others to hit their brakes, change lanes, and even better if you can cause rear-enders behind you.

If you are in the slow lane of the highway and an exit is coming up, be sure to block anybody from the fast lane from merging into the slow lane to get to the exit.

While on the highway, if you're exit is to the left and it is coming up within the next 25 kilometers, it is OK to travel in the fast lane no matter what your speed is, "Slower Traffic Keep Right" does not apply to you.
 

Golden Rule of Intersections: "It's _MY TURN_ and I'm going anyway"!

When stopping to turn left at intersections, be sure to stop directly on the signal activator which is about three car lengths behind the stop line, or you'll be left waiting to turn for a good ten minutes (while you watch all the other people run the yellow light and the red light).

When stopping to turn right at an intersection displaying a red light, its advisable to always wait for the light to turn green before turning, even if it is completely safe to turn.

Cars don't like going around corners, especially right turns. Always take your time making a right turn, especially when there are no pedestrians present. 45 seconds minimum is recommended.

When turning, always turn wide by cutting into the lane in the opposite direction you are turning.

If there is a traffic jam ahead, always pull into the intersection in order to block the flow of all other traffic and therefore preserve your space.
 

When changing lanes, do not shoulder check -- this is hard on your neck.

When you change lanes, it is not necessary to signal. Other drivers will get out of your way.

It's important to always change lanes in the middle of an intersection.

Make it a point to cross three lanes in a row once in a while, just so you can get other drivers to practice their reflexes on their brakes. Signaling is not necessary for this maneuver.

Signaling for a lane change sends out the subliminal yet urgent message, "Cut me off quick!".

When you want to change from the left lane to the right, pull up halfway alongside the car in the right lane, flash your turn signal once, and cut in front of that car. This will test the other driver's eyes in the back of his/her head.
 

If you signal to turn right, turn left. If you signal to turn left, turn right.

Leaving your turn signals on for random periods without making a turn is mandatory.
 

Whenever there's an accident on the road, no matter how minor, always slow down to take a look and cause another traffic jam instead of paying attention to your driving.

For maximum safety, install a 10,000 watt stereo system so that all persons within a 12-block radius will hear the bass warning-sound.

For increased visibility always drive with your high-beams on. For even greater visibility, install multiple sets of front fog-lights/highway driving lights and always use them as you cruise around town.

Headlights are not necessary for massive rainstorms during normal daylight hours.

If you can't read the license plate expiry date on the car you're following, you're not close enough.

To prevent your car from floating away while driving, install air dams and rear deflectors all over your car.

If an emergency vehicle is displaying lights and sirens, stop at the last moment directly where you are, even if you are travelling through an intersection. Do not move to the right.
 

To receive more "privileges" when driving or to avoid being honked at because you have never actually learned how to drive, permanently place a sign which says "NEW DRIVER" on your rear window.

If you see a bad driver, just be patient; if you scare the driver in question, he/she could potentially be frightened into having an accident. So don't honk!

If you see a driving school vehicle with only the instructor and no other occupants, do not make the mistake of assuming that the instructor is competent.
 

Don't forget that you must try to race the pedestrian crossing at the intersection. If you're lucky, you'll beat him/her through. If you're really lucky you'll make it through and take out the pedestrian, too! This is particularly a fun maneuver if you're also playing the "how late into the red light can I turn left?" game!

If you are a pedestrian, always remember you have right of way no matter what! Pay no attention to weather conditions, the size of vehicle you step in front of, your visibility, and above all -- never, never, make eye contact with drivers.
 

Road rules do not apply to you, but do remember that it is illegal to ride without a helmet.
 

In Vancouver, if you make a driving mistake and someone honks at you, it is courteous to acknowledge your mistake by holding your clenched fist in the air and raising your middle finger.

Parallel parking means to park directly in the middle of a two-car length space.

Taxi drivers are exempt from all traffic regulations, especially No Stopping signs and requirements to use turn signals. If there is a convenient off-road spot to pick-up/drop-off passengers, taxi drivers are not required to use it, but should instead stop and block traffic.

If you see a real pretty girl/guy on the street, stop safely only at the light and gawk through at least two sets of lights. Three, if you want to compliment her/him. Bonus points if you're not even turning left!

In order to be most efficient during rush hour, feel free to apply makeup, use your laptop, or read newspapers or books while driving. These tasks can be done at any speed up to 110 km/h. To look extra impressive, do multiple things while driving standard.

Always remember to use your cell phone when the road is most busy, and continuously during the free off-peak hours.
 

Original Concept: Jeanette
Contributors: sruel@vcn.bc.ca, J.D. Frazer, gerry leminski, gkennedy@axionet.com, John Bartol, Sean Vanderfluit, J. Michael Cain, Steve & Kim Malins

Rev: 1998.09.29